I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
