I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize