My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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