this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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