I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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