i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
