I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im six kinds of drunk right now
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
