A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
