A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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