im drinking this country out of the recession.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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