i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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