I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
