your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
