I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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