My friends, they love my intelligence
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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