At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
