I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
