Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
