I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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