Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
