and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
