im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
