mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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