I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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