I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Randomize
