Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
is wine microwaveable?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
