your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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