Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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