My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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