I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
