that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
