im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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