the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
