see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
