Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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