I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My feet surprised me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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