Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize