i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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