I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
