I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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