I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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