if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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