My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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