I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
