Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I am naked and annoyed.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
