mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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