I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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