Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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