I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
he was CRYING into my vagina
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
