If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
