3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
