so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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