He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
