Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
