I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
